Profiles in presence: scott & Tom stoery

Interview with Scott Stoery, in his own words:

Scott Stoery connected with The Peaceful Presence Project when his dad, Tom, who had been coping with Parkinson’s disease and mild dementia (a frequent accompaniment to this illness), started to decline more rapidly. Tom had become wheelchair bound and had trouble speaking, functions that were vital to him. They had a very open, honest relationship and when asked, Scott confirmed that Tom was unable to do and think as he always had. “He was realizing that he wasn’t looking at the world in the way it actually was. So it was at that point that we started actively researching end of life choices” which led them to Peaceful Presence.

Co-founder Erin came to visit Tom and Scott, and Tom clearly articulated his desire to have a choice about accelerating his end of life, should he reach a time when living was more struggle than pleasure. Tom learned that his illness had not progressed to a level that made him eligible for Medical Aid in Dying, but continued to research and learn “how to best and safely manage his own end of life choices, and that’s when VSED (Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking) came up. After multiple conversations with Erin, doing our own research and watching YouTube videos about it, Dad came to see VSED as his choice. He didn’t want to linger. He didn’t want to be a burden. He wasn’t enjoying his life the way it was anymore. He wanted to maintain his cognitive ability to make his own choices.”

After a final visit with his daughter, Tom was ready. Peaceful Presence played a strong advocacy role for Tom with his assisted living facility and medical provider. “His big thing all along was that he wanted to die in his own room. . . one day there was a meeting, like getting all the generals together: Erin and Elizabeth were there, two medical professionals, Dad and I, and the (facility) director. They had never had anyone go through VSED before. We just said, this is what he wants and this is what he’s going to do . . . and everyone was really supportive. He was very heroic, incredibly courageous. He had never done any fasting in his life. He slowly had cut back on his eating. He had visited a hospice doctor with Erin accompanying us; dad had drafted a letter specifically stating that his end of life choice was VSED.” The hospice came on board, defining eligibility parameters and after two days of not eating or drinking, he was able to be admitted to hospice.”

“All of this was new to me and I could not have done it on my own. The whole Peaceful Presence team is just phenomenal. . . you gave me support too. We’ve stayed in touch with Erin and Elizabeth over time since dad’s death. . . a blessing that I had with dad was that his death was so beautiful and easy; for a first-timer I had what I thought was a perfect experience. . . I don’t have any sadness. It’s a beautiful gift that he gave to me.”